as if… in the first place

i heard arthur, standin small, and cool hand luke last night (and tonight!) keith played with them, which was AWESOME. i think it hit me while standin small was playing - seeing all their instruments and talents coming together to make this *one thing* happen. and not just to happen, but happen beautifully! its one of the most amazing things to me! i don’t really know how to expand on that, i just love the way it happens. i love how no one thing is ever complete on its own, its always a combination of things… making that one thing. the bassist for standing small is a lot of fun, and the bassist for cool hand luke is NUTS and he’s one of my new favorite people in the world!! i wish i could just carry him around with me, i think if everybody had a little bit of him around the world would be a little brighter

i want there to be depth in me. i’ve felt very much like i’ve just been skimming the surface of life lately. i’ve been listening to arthurs cd for the past… hour -ish? maybe not that long, but linger on is definately a favorite. i want a slow life, one that soaks up the richness around it, just just leaving it behind, like…. i want to get dusty!!!! be somewhere long enough to collect it all. and not just be physically, but spiritually in a place long enough that i soak it all up. i havn’et had a lot of consistancy lately as far as that goes… and thats totally my doing.

i was at camp last weekend and i didn’t get to stay long because my kidney decided to… errupt, but in the short time i was there i was reminded of the richness of relationships that exists there… and i want that. i want time invested, not just always “flailing” for the next thing. i like that, i like having stuff to do and people to see, but i like that quiet time too, where the trees stand still and the clouds float right on by. that rich time… the solid time. i haven’t had much of that. i used to recognize it when i needed it and take that lindsay time… i guess i had so much of it last year i’ve been spending this one filling it up. i was reminded of my need for it today by keith. hearing him express his appreciation for it reminded me i needed to be doing some appreciating - the gathering of the thoughts… and the soaking of the word. it was very nice… very nice indeed…

so i wrote a song the other day… or i’ve been in the process of writing the past 2 or 3 days……. and this is the first one i think that i truly FEEL it when i play… you know what i mean when i say FEEL it??? like the whole worlds spining away and getting lost in the music… i was worried that the words wouldn’t catch what the music was saying, and i’m still not real sure that they do, but i’m telling ya…. its singning my heart all by its little self. i love it. i’ve heard lots of music that made me that way, but this is the first one i’ve done.. i’m pretty darn excited

WOW it sure has been a while!!! My goodness!! I feel like its just flown by me!!! And right now on tv there are these little pug dogs with wings… hmmm… anyway. I don’t know much, externally, that’s exciting going on. All I’ve really got going on is school, and I wanted to drop out yesterday ☺ computers are wonderful but computer programs are a totally different story…. I have THE best roommate ever…. I’ve heard lots of horror roommate stories, and I’m happy to say there’s absolutely no such thing as far as we go… we just laugh and get to talk about how Gods working in our lives all the time – its lovely. The weathers getting cold and grey and all that good stuff… I’m getting a little homesick for my sunshine and warm weather…. But I guess I’ll make it. ☺ internally… Gods been really working with me on the condition of my heart… the strange thing. ☺

The bible talks a LOT about our hearts. A lot is actually a serious understatement, but you get it. It’s the wellspring of life… what’s in it is what comes out… we’re supposed to guard it, but at the same time be vulnerable and transparent with others. We’re also pursued by the heart of God, and are to strive to be running after His. I guess where I’ve gotten caught is I’m very willing to dig into other people and get down into the depths of who they are, but when it gets to be my turn to dig out of the depths of mine…. It doesn’t work out so well. That’s really all I’ve on that right now, and it doesn’t seem as… traumatic on “paper” but it was pretty groundbreaking when I first realized it about a month and a half ago. Since then I think Gods been untying the knots in it so its maybe eased the shock of it a little. It was just weird when I got a good look at it and saw a big cardboard box – basically. It even feels kinda weird just saying all that, but anyway, I guess that’s all from Knoxville now. I just got back from a trip to pell city a few days ago…. And if you need some mending inside, that’s always a good place to be. ☺ I always get filled up when I go….. it’s nice keith got to come for a couple days too and that was fantastic. I haven’t written or played in a while, and I’m pretty sure I need to get on that one… more on sharing my heart in what I write instead of generic things that are safer…. i’ll let you know my progress on that, assuming you want to know anyway, happy days!!!!

thats what i was thinking about a week in a half ago when i was driving home from knoxville at 6 am we were leaving to see my grandparents in new mexico and i had to work the night before, so i had to leave EARLY!!! so i was driving down i-40 and had the absolute pleasure of seeing that big huge beautiful orange sunshine come up over the horizon - i could actually see it moving, and it was LOVELY!!!! and the farther i went the closer it seemed to get to me!! it was way fun. i also had some amazing music, and to me… the music makes the trip, and mine was amazing. anyway, so i got home and sat on the swing with my dad waiting for my mom to get ready. thats not something i’m used to cause my getting ready is getting up and putting a decent shirt on and leaving, but whatever. we were waiting. oh! also, i didn’t get to sleep the night before till 3:30 in the morning, and definately got up at 5:30 to get ready to leave… WIDE AWAKE. no idea why. finally mama was ready and we left… usually i sleep the complete whole way there, but the whole wide awake thing kinda changed that, so i started reading… and thinking.. and reading.. and looking out the window… mind wandering and at some point during the day i started thinking about all these things i regret ever doing.. then the guilt comes and i start dwelling on it and feeling sick… and its not even “big” things. just little stupid things… its rediculous, but then i started thinking about the sun chasing me.. and how it still was its very consistant this sun we have. then, while i was laying in the back of the big blue van this voice just told me… its a brand new day…

ITS A BRAND NEW DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do you know how wonderful that is????????!?!!!?!? EVER DAY IS A BRAND NEW ONE!!! and new day to do it right, and new day to love, and new day to talk to God, a new day for Him to talk back….

a couple weeks ago i was at the pool.. mind wandering again, and i started realizing that i didn’t love God like i used to. i love Him, but i used to have this full vibrant everday loving relationship with him, and lately i’ve just been trying to do it on my own, not thinking about him… trying to love people on my own (and we can look right down this page and see that i forget things pretty quick…) and that used to come very easy to me. then i realized what it was that made me love him so much to begin with… it was realizing how much He loved me. and i wanted everybody in the world to know that!!!!!!! i feel like i’ve forgotten that, i’ve known it i guess, but i haven’t been living it , letting it consume me. so, since then, i’ve been praying that He would remind me of that, so i that i could love the way i know he loves me.

theres two aspen trees at my grandparents house in nm. the air is very crisp there - very fresh with lots of cool breezes. i used to sit under those trees and talk to them. yes, i talked to the trees. and i SWEAR the talked back. we had all kinda of wonderful conversations. i thought the air blowing through the trees were their voices. it was amazing.

back to that moment in the van, the “its a brand new day!” one, its like right then God reached down and pulled me out of the crap i was letting myself sink in, and walking with me up to a sunny hill where everything was new and fresh and bright…. to those two trees. and we would just sit under those trees, indian style, in the breeze, and i’d talk and move my hands around trying to express all kinds of things to him and He’d sit there and listen, and we’d laugh. i could see him there, hands resting on his knees, face turned up to the sky, just laughing. belting it out. us laughing together,, just talking. talking and talking all day, about everything. EVERYTHING.

and thats a reality i can have every day.

Jesus LIKES me. he likes me. not just love, the kind we’re taught we’re just supposed to have for everybody just because. but he genuinely LIKES us. all the details. love knows details, that means we’re known. He enjoys us, it makes Him happy to be with us and spend time with us and listen to all our stuff.. he loves taking the time to pull us out of what we got ourselves into and take us to a bright sunny place where we’re safe. and never once does he look at us and see the marks left from when we went to the place we knew we never should. love covers a multitude of wrongs… and His love covers every sin. so all this time i’ve wasted dwelling on things.. is wasted. nothing at all productive comes from that, so we shouldn’t do it. we should just go straight to the sunshine and soak it up. get that saratonine (sp?) reagardless of what happened the night before. accept it, dance in it, BE FREE in it. its a new day.. a new beginning.. new mercy.. another chance, with Jesus right there.. just hanging out.. enjoying you… wanting to keep you in that sunny place, as far away from the darkness as possible, and ready to pull you out if you get to close…

i love days

and so summer begins!!!

summers always been my favorite. sunshine and swimming and outside and youth trips and hanging out and pretty much (kinda) doing whatever (before i had a job in another city.) but thats what i think of, and this past week was the first one thats felt like summer this year, and it was WONDERFUL!!!!!! and i must say… i can’t really complain that it started with an amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing

B L E A C H

concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW!!! thats all i can really say about it. i felt like i was gonna explode like, 4 times. i had a SUPER GOOD FEELING and God’s SO GOOD TO ME SO GOOD TO ME HE IS GOOD - especially to JERRY AND SALLY and I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HIM STANGING THERE SO BRIGHT AND SPECIAL, AND ALL THESE WAVES THAT CRASH AROUND MY HEAD FALL SILENT AT THE WHISPER OF HIS VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah yeah yeah, good great amazing dancing all over the place concert. i also saw derek webb and if there’s a man in the world that carries some conviction, its him, and i LOVE IT.

theres also some exciting things going on in knoxville - God is so faithful, theres a girl that i work with who LOVES JESUS and could possibly be MY NEW ROOM MATE!! AMAAAAAAAAZING!!!!! the only thing keeping me from it right now is seeing my little lady’s face when i tell her i’m moving - wow that makes me feel sick. so once again, i’ve got one of those decisions to make!!! but its all good. across from the apartment i might be living in is a huge tree with a huge branch that has a huge curve in it ( ) and i’ll be in that tree A WHOLE WHOLE LOT!!! and i’m excited. mostly at what God can do with a combination of two people that love Him and want nothing more than for everybody else to yeah… exciting. He always puts the most amazing people in my life!!! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i got to hang out with keith a lot today - i might have drove him a little crazy… but i was crazy…. CRAZY IN LOVE WITH HIM!!!!!!! so that was fun. i chased him around the yard a little…

God has been giving me a hunger for the truth in His word!! not just the word - but the TRUTH in it, like really digging deeper and finding out the ONE reason each and every single one of those words are there and the ONE thing that each of them mean… none of my interpretation or “what it means to me” just strictly what it is - thats what i want to know!!

this past year has definately been one of learning, just about myself and God and His consistancy through everything thats totally not.this summer i think is gonna be a big transition for me. since last may theres been a LOT of changes, and now i’m kinda settling into them all.. its kinda nice!!!! like fitting into all of the right shapes…. and theres still lots of different ones coming… but its getting there!!! i’m excited about whats coming… lots of good stuff - of that i’m sure. casting my cares to the wind…. jumping into it and letting God carry me the whole way home….. WOW

JERRY’S GETTIN OLDER NOW…. HE’S LOSIN HIS HAIR… LOSIN HIS TEEEEEEEETH, BUT SALLY… REALLY DOESN’T CAAAAAAAAAARE…

so this afternoon i was thinking - since i’m sure you wanna know - about like, me loving people and like, how i do but when i first moved to big knoxville all by myself i started noticing my love for other people was really a love that wanted to be loved back. i gave myself a really hard time about that for a while cause i didn’t understand why, cause, you know, i have to be perfect - CAUSE THATS POSSIBLE. anyway… so yeah i was thinking about that and how its still true and all that stuff then i got hit in the face and like, instead of seeing that as a bad thing that needed to be fixed it was a truth - we can’t love. no not at all, can’t. and we NEED to be loved. we’re made to be loved… we absolutely have a crazy devouring (not sure if thats a word?) hunger to be loved, and will do almost anything in order to get it. i went to see a movie a few months ago and one of the previews was for triston and isolde which, i never saw and never had a desire to, but one of the huge headlines on it was “love conquers all” and it was talking about triston and isoldes love. so… what does that conquer?? or what is their love that makes it conquer something?? is it the way they kiss?? cause they sure did a lot of that - just in the preview. so THEN i was like, oh man thats what we think. we think people loves conquers things, which in some forms and ways i’m sure it does or can, but ANYWAY, so, the fact that my love really wants to be loved back and that really - we’re all that way - i started thinking about how we can love - or if we can - without being loved back - or first. and how we try SO HARD to be. like really - its all we want!! by the way we dress or what we want to be around certain people or for them… in order to be loved, and thinking that in doing it we really do love them - which again, i’m sure we do, but would we if it was never returned or, even pushed away??

so Gods love right?? and we love because he first loved - we love HIM because he first loved us, His love first. so number one, we ONLY love, because he loved us first. so no - we can’t love by ourselves. its not something that just happens or comes out of nowhere or feels real good - he envisioned love, created it, gave it completely to us. so people love is a taste of it - and thats why we crave it so much - its a taste of something perfect God has to give us - so of course, everybody wants it. - taste and see… and its good. but so many people can’t see love, because the only love the see or get or give is the love they have in them - the love that we all have a touch of because we’re all in His image - but its broken in us alone. its like…… i do’nt know, a….. something without the other end (just pick something, i dont know ) its not gonna work. its broken, somethings missing… and only when God is in us loving can we love in a way thats truly of Him - but thats because its Him loving. i dont know, i feel like this is a major big circle of rambling - but i was just thinking i do love loving, but i absolutely ADORE being loved. but i’m made to be - and i am - always have been - always will be - and so will YOU, for absolutely no reason merit of your own - only because you exist - and thats not love from a person, and we’ll never find it there….. only in Jesus….. amen

THE AUTHORITY - thats about all i have to say right now

so, not only is that ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING BEAUTIFUL THINGS I’VE EVER HEARD, but it also speaks sooo much of our Creator - i watched “indescribable” by louie giglio tonight and it just left me like…. stunned. like - yeah. the last time i went to passion i remember feeling so relieved to hear that life wasn’t about me - AT ALL. it has nothing to do with me - i’m a little whisp in the wind - like one of the little seeds blowing around from a dandelion to far off places - waaaaaay farther than where it started, and its path is definately being totally directed by something totally amazingly gigantically biggger than it is. -man, that just makes me feel like i’m breathing new born air!! which is exactly the way i always feel when i look striaght up and get lost in the dark black sky with all the little twinkles spread all through it… i’ve always wanted to just lay outside all night and just gaze into it - i never have though. i always start feeling a little overwhealmed - its a lovely kind of overwhealmed, like it feels pretty but at the same time.. well, overwhealming. i do’nt know - it just amazes me - i have no words. have you ever thought about how completely limiting words are?? wow. i have none. i’ll let you think about it. have your own words - or expressions actually, they’re not as limiting……

ok.. so i’m trapped in the library at school because of tornados… which came completely out of nowhere cause when i got here it was sunshining and BEAUTIFUL!! but i’ve grown to like the rain.. used to hate it… find a certain beauty in it now… tonight at church we watched the first half of the movie luther - pretty interesting!!! it really makes me wanna learn more about our history as christians… i came to check out confessions by st augustine, but they only have one copy and somebody has it…. which is good that its being read.. kinda wish it was by me though i know its been quite forever since i’ve written anything.. i do’nt really know how to say what alls been going on - SPRINGTIME!! which makes my heart sing and beat stronger and come MORE ALIVE!!! kinda like magic, thats what springtime is. i was at the art store buying s ome canvas and i started talking to her about how pretty it was.. and how lovely it is to be out in the pretty…. and we were just talking about how your insides just feel cleaner when you’ve spent some time out there, and neither of us could really figure out why.. but its something to think about!! maybe being out in Gods creation thats simply.. His creation, no choice, no sin, but He does see that its good. maybe it feels nice to be with something thats simply good… but i know thats a little dangerous ground, i’m not saying its… whatever, but i just think theres something to that. theres something to all of these things that we all as human beings experience - and i believe theres a reason. i love that little lady, i’ve talked to her only the past 2 times i’ve been in - but they’ve been good little talks

i’ve come also to realize that in my desire to love and love and love, and always shower love, i’ve lost some of the declaration of Jesus… if that makes sense, probably not, i just do’nt feel bold. i tread softly - maybe too softly sometime, but everytime i talk to somebody about it they say doing so is bold in a sense - i’m not sure.. but i’m working on it i am starting to see fruit in some of the ppl God puts me with - especially at work - its so encouraging, but as soon as i’m encouraged i forget to do part of my side work and leave the other hostess with more work… not so much good fruit, she was a little unhappy…. theres great danger in thinking i’m getting somewhere… i might start thinking i’ve gotten there and i’m pretty sure as long as i’m HERE… i’m not there - i’m also amazed at how much God uses people who aren’t His to bless me…. which shows me we’re not the only ones He uses… unless its just the common good that in all of us that comes from Him cause we’re all made in His image.. i’m not sure… but either way…. somethings there i think…

i have a manager at work, we talk about God a lot, He doesn’t believe in Him, doesn’t want too.. but the only thing He “knows” about Him is the angry God he sees on posters on tv, not that thats an excuse… like i said, He doesn’t want to know, but He did say if an angel ever tapped Him on the shoulder… He’d believe then and there. i’ve been praying that angel would start tapping…. in whatever form it may be, i’m praying for some tapping, and you could too if you’d like

prayer is something that i struggled with for a couple years, and at camp God taught me SO MUCH about how he answers it specifically - and it totally blew me away, you know what i’ve done with that knowledge?? absolutely nothing. since i’ve been here yes i’ve prayed for myself and my struggles - which i’ve had a lot of lately - in my mind and i don’t know WHERE in the world it comes from, but it comes!!! - but for others i haven’t done so well. Lord be with this person today… and thats about it. yeah, thats not it. i’ve gotten lazy in praying. at camp i prayed all the time cause i had girls to pray for - with. now i do’nt have that so i do’nt do that… why i do not know but thats something that needs to be fixed. theres lots of power… and i’ve been wasting lots of it. LOTS and lots of it. its time to get on my knees.. but usually i sit and watch cartoons - a completely GREAT use of my time here on this earth… yeah, i guess its all about perspective…. my outlook on life, the reason for it… and despite all of this - God continues to teach me, continues to grow me, continues to bless me beyond measure and give me life greater than i could ever imagine… He’s definately leading my path right now - i have no idea whats going on its kinda nice.. let him set the footprints

speaking of direction, i’m not real sure what i’m doing this summer. school ends in 4 weeks… i could stay here and work and swim all day in the sunshine and stay with my little lady who, by the way, lost her sister in law/neighbor of the past 60 yrs - she was 91 and ppl say ‘oh thats a good long life’ and get on with it but age doesn’t make any difference to the ppl left behind - you can be praying for them too - or i could go home and work and soak up my family and be with my brother and just be… home. i hate making decisions. i’m awful at it, i’m just happy with whatever, but i’m not sure about this one… well see, there’s great benefits to both…. hmmm.. yeah, not a fan of big decisions

i’m REAL bad at soccer, i’m taking a class right now.. thinking i was gonna LEARN HOW TO PLAY since i never have in my life.. but no, they’ve all played for like, 10 yrs.. have a skills test tues… 40% of our grade… lots of fun!!!!

i’ve been writing a lot. nothing amazing.. just little…. lindsay things i guess, do’nt really know how to describe it, and i’m not sure what God wants to do with it but… He’s making it happen!! i do’nt know if its just that i’m letting him and not comparing what comes out to what comes out of other ppl and feeling… not as good.. or if its just time for it so He brought be to this place so He could do it.. not sure about that one either. i just started looking at it as mine - my song, not someone elses, so i shouldn’t set it beside someone elses.. i dont know. i sing them a lot during the day. He gives me the songs i need to remember scripture during they day.. to remember His promised. maybe thats all He wants me to do with them.. sing them…. walking around singing. imagine that.. living to a song thats kinda pretty!! hmmm….

ok well.. i think the tornado has maybe passed over…. so i think i’m gonna go home and EAT!!! AAAAAAA I’M HUNGRY!!! peace out…

i guess its a paradox thats attributed to the human condition, but with all the beauty i have before me - everything thats offered to me every day of my life byt the Creator of heaven and earth, i still choose to go sideways a take a dip in the mud - its beyond me why we do this - why i do it… completely beyond me. i was singing the other night at church and it was the most amazing thing ever - i could have died right then just to be Home… it would be nice to see my Jesus and be done with the rest of it - have everything corrupted and tainted by the fall just disappear - it would be LOVELY in fact…. but i’m here!! and He’s got me here!!! so i’m just praying make it!! and living on the promise that i will